March 24th, 2007
October 26th, 2006
October 25th, 2006
|11:19 am - Freaks|
Sometimes I wonder if it's just me, or maybe there's something very wrong with the way I see things, but it seems to me that the whole world is made up of freaks. What I mean by that is that every person I seem to encounter on my journey through life is either somewhat crazy, somewhat slow, or just lacking of any sort of good personal qualities. Sometimes the world reminds me of a gigantic satanic circus with tricksters and posers on every corner. I don't really understand why people need to put on a guise, especially when the guise is a much uglier one than their actual persona. I feel that honesty is beauty, and there is no reason to hide from the truth because lies will just make you more freakish than you are by nature. We are all sinners, and that's why I feel we're condemned to this reality, but there's no point to wallowing in it like mindless drones. Like pigs in mud.
Sometimes I also wonder how many people actually think for themselves, and how many of the ones that don't can even achieve a state of independent thought. Sometimes I get frustrated with people and I wonder how so many people can be so mean to one another, but then I reflect on my life and I start to wonder even further into the idea that...maybe they're not being mean, maybe they're just dumb.
But that tends to confuse me even more, because I never thought of myself as some sort of genius -since I have no need to pamper my ego- and I always thought I was fairly average to the standards set out to measure our mental capacity. Which makes me question standards and how it is possible to measure anything at all. Makes me hate science. We're just monkies playing with tools.
This is how I think. I don’t see myself as negative, I see myself as a realist. There's no escape from life or kharma, it will all catch up to you in the end. Might as well turn around and face the world.
October 22nd, 2006
|06:05 pm - Revisiting the Past|
I haven't read over these memories in years now...and how i've changed! i can't even remember how it use to feel to be the person who typed all those silly journal entries in the middle of the night. but how i miss her.
it's nice to be clean though.
December 6th, 2004
bored. sick. half sedated by the medication, but not enough to get some sleep. i gave up trying to sleep about an hour ago when i realized that it just wasnt gonna happen. i really dont know what's going on with my life right now. i know i'm a control freak, and i've already come to terms with all that in as many ways as i possibly could. but it really doesnt help that every time things get a little shaky i just freak out. it's a lot easier to admit to having a problem than to do something about it. and quite frankly i'd rather not do anything about it at all. i like having control over a situation, it makes me feel safe and confident, and gives me room to grow as an individual. of course, i understand that that's not always gonna happen, but i would prefer that it did. i'm happy that i'm not a guy sometimes because it just seems like they have so little empathy for one another. it's no wonder they're so bad at offering anyone emotional support, even if it's to the closest person that they have at the moment. i hate having to depend on a guy for that type of support, it makes me feel even more alone and misunderstood then before when i had to deal with problems on own.
September 28th, 2004
damnit, just chipped the same tooth for the third time this month. now i can just see myself, a year from now, toothless and insane. yes, i've finally come to the conclusion that i'm prolly gonna go nuts sometime in the near future. and may be then i can go live in the desert and finger paint on rocks. i dunno, i've been thinking about the future a lot. it's kind of a scary thought...the future and all. but i'd rather live in the present, cuz the present totally kicks ass. i feel like i should write more, especially since this is my first entry in a good few months, but i'm really preoccupied right now. i'm just in one of those pressed-over-phone-call moods. but not really, cuz i dont really care...but sorta do...and all at the same time. you really can have too much of a good thing...especially when it has the power to drill holes in ur brain and leave u permanently retarded. but i've already said too much...
Current Mood: content
July 18th, 2004
not home yet, but i soon will be. my head's just too heavy to sleep right now. i need to sit down and examin my thoughts in private. my plan is to spend the next week or so being as mellow as possible. maybe, once i'm fully sober and my mind's back to normal, i'll be able to straighten up my exact thoughts on all this.
Current Mood: confused
July 16th, 2004
...and so, kelly's one week hiatus comes to a close... and what a week it has been! now that it's finally friday, i can officially say that i have gone an entire week without a single waking moment of complete sobrity. starting either tomorrow or saturday, however, -- depending on what day i get back, -- i'm gonna get serious -- well as serious as i can be considering that i'll prolly still go out and party once in awhile. i plan to start looking for a job a.s.a.p. because the money situation, on my part, is becoming extremely pathetic. anna was right when she said that i'm becoming more and more dependent on others with every year. although living like a unattached, undetermined lil gypsy does have it's high points, i'd much rather be my own person again -- that includes weaseling the car and cell phone back from my parents, which is gonna take lots of ass-kissing. so maybe those aren't really my personal things, since i don't really pay for either of them, but at least once i get them back i'll be less of a burden to other people. i don't like invading people's personal space, especially since experience has taught me that too much of that could lead to a lot of nasty drama. but to reflect upon the week itself: it basically felt like being stranded on a desert island -- which isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially when you get to spend all your time with someone you like. yet, depite all the doubts and misconceptions that this experience has put to rest, i'm still a lil restless about where all this may one day lead to. i guess i should stop worrying and just let things flow. i've just always been one big, restless ball of emotions, and i can't help but complicate things. but, aside with all that, i'm in too of an upper-ific state right now to sit still in one place longer than i already have, so -- for all the people that still use this site, and talk to me on a regular basis -- i'll be home this weekend. byes.
Current Mood: awake
June 30th, 2004
how do u know when u can really trust someone? i wish that people didn't come with so much bagage. that each new relationship started on a blank slate. but that's just not how the world works. it would make me so happy if i could place all my trust in just one person, and be a hundred precent sure that i'm not making a mistake. but that's not gonna happen any time soon. the thing is, i dunno how far i wanna be taking my current situation. it's so frightening how fast i've changed. but what scares me the most is that i cannot sense the same change in him. maybe i should just give it some time. i just don't wanna fall too fast or i might end up breaking something at the end.
Current Music: scooter- hyper hyper
June 11th, 2004
i need to get out of arlington. last nite was the last straw. and, as far as i know, he made his choice when he got up and walked away from me. that should make the choice more painless, if not easier. and as for my pride: if he couldn't make up his mind right there and then -- when i told him exactly how i felt -- then he really wasnt worth my time. and of course i liked him. but i guess that just wasnt enough. if i'm too fucken complex for him, then maybe he should try dating a chalk board. it really bothers me that, all the while, he had no respect for my feelings what so ever; i guess he just wasn't man enough to inform me of the situation from the very beginning. hopefully, i'll have the money to get away for a week or so after graduation. i really need to clear my head.
Current Music: ATB- Ecstasy